Adieu to the old ... hello to the new

2009 is coming to an end. Where did a decade go? I can hardly believe that we survived the Y2K scare, as crazy as everyone made it seem. I turned 30, then I turned 35 and now I am 40. Maybe a bit worse for the wear but not any less loved.

I learned many things through this decade. I learned that I can survive without my family's support (never really had it but I did make it through), I made some wonderful friends and I also lost some friends. In that process I also realized that people will assume or think what they want - it really doesn't matter what you end up doing, whether it is good or bad - they have already made their minds up. Do I mourn those friendships? Possibly. Would I want them back? Not even if someone paid me. Those types of friends, who are like that, are not worth having around me or near me. I am happy with the handful of friends I currently have and they fulfill me enough. The rest needs to come from inside, from me.

That is another thing I've learned. Happiness comes from ME. I create it for myself. No one else can make me happy. They can help in making a situation so that the happiness is present, but only I can choose to focus on that or not. I am learning it bit by bit and my life is getting better as I learn. I sometimes feel I shouldn't be happy or that I don't deserve it... but those times are becoming less and less.

As always, I have been blessed with the most wonderful, caring, compassionate and amazing best friend anyone could ever ask for. She understands me to the "T" and no matter what, stands by me. I truly believe we were meant to be sisters but somehow our spirits were separated at birth and now we have met up again. We say the same things at the same time... we are in sync... it is uncanny. And I am thankful every day that she is my best friend. I love you bestie...

All in all, this past decade has taught me a lot about myself and about the people I love. It wasn't always an easy journey, but it was an exciting one. Cheers to the past and lets look forward to the future, and all the love and excitment it holds for all of us.

Love and peace to everyone :)

Ending the week with a smile :)

I was "bullied" into going out yesterday to spend some time with friends and I am glad that I decided to go. It was a wonderful day spent laughing and being around people who are awesome. It wasn't even about Christmas - it was about people getting together to see each other and have some laughs. Actually went to two places and was able to spend it with a special girlfriend also in the evening. I am a happy girl now.

Not to say that the blahs have passed completely, but I am in a better place emotionally right now. I have tomorrow off... am going to the "happiest place on earth" to spend it with some close friends and enjoy myself.... I mean what else could a girl want? Well, I would want my tall dark and handsome to be here, but that would be wishing way too much at the moment. He is here in spirit and that is enough for now.

A friend of mine told me she saw a spirit around me on Christmas Eve. She described him to me and it sounded like my grandfather. Made me feel ... happy. I never had the chance to meet him (he passed when my mother was only 5). I felt special, as if he was doing his rounds and checking on all his grandchildren on that night. I am glad he comes around every now and then to visit - means he knows us and wants to watch over us. My grandmother loved him deeply and until the day she died. Theirs is the kind of love I want... the kind that never fades or wanes and is true, deep to your soul. Settling would be terrible.

So all in all, my week started terribly but is ending with a big smile on my face. I am glad to have the friends and people in my life that I do. They are wonderful and loving... a girl couldn't as for much more :)

In a funk

I feel so out of sorts. I feel like life is pulling me in all different directions and as if I am just standing in the middle of all of it ... and not moving. Yesterday was a really bad day for me at work and I ended up at home literally crying my eyes out. Poor Pepper sat curled up next to me not knowing what was going on... he gets so stressed when I am like that.

I canceled all my plans for this weekend - I don't have the energy to be social or go out. It is so difficult to be up and happy when you feel like nothing inside. I feel lost, lonely, disconnected... it is a scary place to be in. I know that I am on the border of something serious, but I have to try and snap out of it. It isn't healthy for me to be in this place and it is a double edged sword - to not stay in this state I need to get out and socialize but I don't have the energy to be out socializing. I am going to go home tonight and just crawl into bed and go to sleep. Maybe that will help. Even writing isn't making me feel any better, sadly. I amn't even really hungry anymore - now that is scary. That is when you know things are not good.

The craziness of life

I just wrote a blog about my father and his passing. Had a phone call from my mother that my dad's brother died this morning of a massive heart attack... in the bathroom - exactly the same way my dad did. And about a week before my dad's anniversary. My uncle was young, only 72.

It makes me sad to think that it leaves only my aunt now. Everyone else has passed away. It also makes me sad because my dad's family never worked on family unity or trying to stay in touch. They all just hated each other. I am not close to many of them because of distance (they all live in Italy), but the few who do reach out to me, I stay in touch with. I like to hear about the births of my little cousins, the accomplishments of those who are special to them... it makes me feel somewhat connected.

All of my cousins on that side of the family live mere minutes away from each other and they don't even speak. That is when you know you have a TRULY dysfunctional family. His passing will alleviate his pain and that of his family (he suffered from dementia), but it will unfortunately not bring anyone in that family closer together. They are beyond help... sad but true.

The one lesson that always comes through - tell the people you love that you love them. Even if it is for a split second. Let them hear the words, so that they can carry that in their hearts. Love is a powerful thing. Remember all of you - I do love you all, immensely. You have all touched my life and enriched it in some form. Thank you for being a part of it. <3

Twelve years

The anniversary of my father's death is fast approaching. It will be 12 years this Christmas day that he died of a massive heart attack. It really didn't affect me too much either way his passing - we hadn't spoken to each other from when I was 19 and then not until when I was 22 to file assault charges and have him arrested. Great memories to have of your dad aren't they?

I can honestly say, that the good memories of my father are very sparse. There aren't many... but I know that there were some good times. They were not often, but some of the pictures of myself and him together when I was little, show a loving man, who, I don't know, lost himself somewhere along the way. I wish he had realized he needed help and sought it out, but the "macho" mentality never let him admit that.

I do blame my grandmother for some of his torment. She was an EVIL woman. She just never let up on anyone. Her life had been miserable and she just transferred that misery onto others, mostly her children and husband. My grandfather was beaten down so badly he died a shell of a man, and he was a sweet, sweet soul. Sadly, my father adored her and would do anything to make her happy. So she used that to her advantage, which for a mother is cruel. I give her part of the blame.

I do have to thank my father though for some things. For my love of science - he was always a big science nerd. For my knowledge of soccer (though it was limited) and my love and pride of Italy. He was a die hard Juve fan and he loved his homeland... no one could take that love or patriotism away from him. We always went to all the Italian festivals or parades decked out in green/white/red and we wore the colors of the flag with pride. I still feel that pride to this day of being Italian and raised by two parents who loved being from a nation filled with rich history, culture, food and a flare for fashion. It is good to be Italian :)

He also made me a stronger person, without really realizing it. By belittling me and trying to beat me down my whole life, he helped to make me a strong person. I can take a lot of crap - those closest to me know. I have lived through some crazy times and through some crazy things.... but I kept a portion of my sanity and have become a better person. Through the insanity that was my life with my parents, their marriage and the abused heaped onto me by my dad, he showed me that if those things couldn't break me then almost nothing could. I do have to say my mom was a big factor in my staying semi sane through a lot of it. Thanks mommy :)

What he didn't help me with was in being a good male role model. I never realized that I should be treated a certain way by the men in my life and because of that have made some bad choices in that aspect. I admit it - no need to shy away from the truth. But I am learning slowly, that I do derserve someone who appreciates me and loves me for what I am, slightly cracked and worn but still with love to give, and is patient enough to get to the heart of me, the REAL me. There are men out there like that... and maybe I may have been lucky enough to find one :)

So as 12 years rolls up on me, I feel bad for my father having died alone, and being left there. He had the chance to have a family and nuture it - but he chose not to. I wonder if had he sought help and asked for forgiveness, would our lives have been different??? Then again, I wouldn't be the person I am today if he had. And maybe, just maybe, this is who I was meant to be.

For a few moments

...... I felt special and beautiful this weekend. I wish I had more of those moments but as a wise person once told me... "slowly, slowly".