I sit and ponder things all the time. Might be one of my strong points or maybe one of the things that holds me back... not completely sure which it is at times. But I wonder if I am going to one day be happy. Not to say that I am not happy now; I have wonderful friends, I live in a gorgeous place with the ocean near me and some of the most beautiful landscapes around. But what I meant by happy is possibly more... settled. Will I feel that affinity to someone and be able to finally settle down?
Marriage was never really on my radar, for many reasons. My parents had a hideous marriage. I almost think that they started having problems within hours of their wedding. My dad was demanding, my mom was independent. My dad expected complete submission and my mother, bless her heart did what she could but lost a part of herself along the way. Thankfully she found it again when they split. But that is my role model for marriage. I have always been surrounded by marriages that are more duty than actual love and devotion. It made me scared that I would get stuck in that type of union and I couldn't imagine a worse hell if I tried.
Does this mean I don't want marriage? Not even close. Is it necessary? I don't know. I think if you are with someone and they are the person you want to be with and it is important to both of you then yes it is. Is it a sticking point with me? Nope. I will love someone whether we are married or not. My commitment is not based on a piece of paper - it is based on what is in my heart.
Granted, a small part of me has always secretly wanted to find a wonderful man to marry. You know, the kind that are loving and generous, that will be good to you, even when you make a mistake or things aren't the greatest. The one who will be your rock, your partner, the person who will support you - that kind of husband. Maybe I haven't considered marriage before because I hadn't found someone who had those qualities. Maybe I will get lucky and meet someone like that soon....
My sister has been lucky enough to find that kind of person. I have my fingers crossed that I have a brother-in-law within the year. She deserves nothing but happiness and someone who treats her like a queen. She has suffered just as much as I have, but in a different way. It is about time she has someone who will help her and love her. Maybe one day it will be for both of us... who knows.
There might be a happy ending for the Marziani girls after all =) My dad would roll over in his grave.
