I've come a long way baby ;)

I was raised to always give people a second chance, give them the benefit of the doubt, try to empathize and see the good in everyone.  I still try to keep that rule with many people that I know, but it hasn't really served me well in the romance and dating department.  Giving second chances (to cheating partners) only lead to more cheating, giving the benefit of the doubt only lead to more doubt within myself and it was, to say the least, more detrimental to me than to anyone else.  

What I have noticed in the past few months, is that I am learning to stick to my guns and not let people treat me badly anymore.  I am not willing to give second chances and if I do they need to be earned and not just given anymore (like I was doing in the past).  It is an empowering feeling because what that does is give me the control over my life and not leave me hanging and waiting on someone else to decide anything.  It's my choice to make, not theirs. 

I think the catalyst was when I finally realized that Tall Dark and Handsome and I were never going to go any further than where we were and that in essence, I was enabling him to be the way he was.  I never pushed to get more or have it become more and I was quite passive most of the way.  When I did put up a struggle his solution:  disappear for a while and then woo me back.  And it worked for quite a while.  But not this time.  I made the promise to myself that I wouldn't settle anymore, that I wouldn't be an option for anyone when I made them a priority in my life.  I made the break - a clean, painful one and since then, it has been almost as if I were re-born or transformed.  I don't take crap from men.  If you mess up... second chances are hard to get.  If he apologizes (and is sincere), he can start from the beginning again and work his way back to prove it.   I am totally worth the effort and if someone doesn't think that I am then they aren't meant to be with me.

Let me be honest here - I have come to the realization that I will most likely never meet a man who is right for me.  I am what they term the "Eternal Bachelorette" and I can say that it isn't all that bad from my perspective right now.  I do miss having a special someone who will support me, but I have been taking care of myself for almost 26 odd years alone, so what are a few more, right???  

A year ago, you would never have even heard me utter any of these thoughts.  I was a different person then, possibly weaker willed and a bit blinded by one-sided love.  But I see my value now and realize that if I don't see it and respect then no one else will either.  I've come a long way baby ;)

 

Surprised

I am going to admit that over the years I have become a bit of a cynic... wait, I have become a HUGE cynic.  I still try to believe that people have good intentions, but many times I am proven wrong.  And that is ok, but it does work towards the shaping of a person's opinion on matters and possibly groups of people.

For those of us who are currently dating and not in any type of "relationship" (I added the quotes because people define their relationships all differently), you would understand how difficult it seems to have become to meet quality people, both male and female.  I believe, wholeheartedly, that as a society in general, people have forgotten the art of dating.  It doesn't involve casual sex, getting drunk and taking the first person home with you or propositioning someone you don't even know personally on the internet.  Now that is not to say that one, some or all of these methods works for some out there... but it doesn't involve REAL dating. 

So from my cynical outlook, I brace myself every time I go out on a Saturday night, or when someone might decide to email me or contact me through various social networking sites.  I am prepared to be offended.  I am armed and ready to fell anyone who might have the nerve to be disrespectful.  I am on the defensive for any attack and ready to ward them off.  What I am not well equipped for anymore, is the sincere, honest individual who is really only out to meet someone and talk.  That person who is different from the masses, who will actually not make any unwanted advances on someone.   It has been so long since I have met anyone like that (outside of my male circle of friends) that I had begun to think that we should actually put these types of men on the endangered species list!

Well my cynical self was pleasantly surprised yesterday to meet and chat with someone who was really only interested in ... talking.  Yep, you read it.  There was not ulterior motive to try to get me to sleep with him, to try and do anything to him ala Monica Lewinski... and he even was gentleman enough to drive me home and not try to come in.  I admit - I was surprised and a small kernel of faith sprung up.  Faith that if I look hard enough and possibly change my outlook, I might be able to see those great guys who are out there and who are truly good, honest people.  Let's face it - everyone's ultimate goal is to find someone and connect with them physically.  But there are many different roads that lead to the same destination.  It was just nice to meet someone who for once wasn't on the fast track to that destination... heck maybe he doesn't even want that from me, which is also just fine.  

It's nice to wake up to a beautiful sunshine drenched morning knowing that out there you can still find good people.  Makes the day seem brighter and that much more wonderful.  :)

Sunshine and coffee....

It's Mother's Day weekend, so naturally I have been thinking about my mother. Also, a dear friend of mine just lost her mother to cancer not more than a day ago, and it just makes a person sit down and really think about things.

When I woke up this morning and went through the motions like I always do: set the coffee maker to brew my fresh cup o' morning coffee, hugged my Peppers and opened the shutters in the living area to let the morning sunshine in... I immediately thought of my mother. I thought of how much she would have loved to be here this morning and revel in this gorgeous morning, the sun shining down, the smell of fresh coffee. I could almost imagine her sitting in a chair in a shaft of sunlight, giggling like a schoolgirl over some silly comment should would have made.

These are what my memories of my mom are comprised of: of her zest for life, her love for the simple things, her desire to share those with us and for us to somehow adopt them into our lives. I have so many of them: her showing us the flowers as they started to bloom and how amazing they were to her, the simple act of turning her face to the sun closing her eyes and just smiling from the warmth of it, her love of nature, her joy at being out in the middle of it. Spring and Summer were and still are her favorite seasons.

She was, and still is, a kid at heart. She has the most infectious giggle. You could hear it all the way upstairs and it made you smile. For those who know me well enough, you know that I have a twisted sense of humor and I am quick with the comebacks. Well, I have to admit that I learned at the feet of the master - my mom. She is funnier than you could imagine and she has these zingers that sting! But she kept us on our toes and she was always one step ahead.

I always grew up knowing she loved me. She was a strong force in my life. She was the backbone of our family and the glue that held us together for as long as we did. She was a whirlwind of energy and motivation and she always drove my sister and I to do better and more than we thought we were capable of. She made sure to spend quality time with each of us every single day to see how our lives were going. She sacrificed a lot for us, as all mothers do. She worked a menial job so that she would have extra money to be able to buy the "cool" clothes that I wanted for high school. Not many moms would have done that... but mine did. She always wanted me to look good and feel good about myself when I went out. It was important to me, so in turn it was important to her.

When I went through something really traumatic in my early teens, she did all she could to help me through it. She never doubted me and she found out what was the best thing to do and she did that for me. She was always quietly there for me, and she still is. Funny how just talking to her eases my worries or my anxieties.

So on this gorgeous Saturday morning, the day before Mother's Day, I give thanks for mine and all she has done for me. But I think she deserves thanks every day of the year, not just on one. She and all mothers give every day of their lives to their children. We should thank them every day also.

♥ 

I sometimes wonder

I sit and ponder things all the time. Might be one of my strong points or maybe one of the things that holds me back... not completely sure which it is at times. But I wonder if I am going to one day be happy. Not to say that I am not happy now; I have wonderful friends, I live in a gorgeous place with the ocean near me and some of the most beautiful landscapes around. But what I meant by happy is possibly more... settled. Will I feel that affinity to someone and be able to finally settle down?

Marriage was never really on my radar, for many reasons. My parents had a hideous marriage. I almost think that they started having problems within hours of their wedding. My dad was demanding, my mom was independent. My dad expected complete submission and my mother, bless her heart did what she could but lost a part of herself along the way. Thankfully she found it again when they split. But that is my role model for marriage. I have always been surrounded by marriages that are more duty than actual love and devotion. It made me scared that I would get stuck in that type of union and I couldn't imagine a worse hell if I tried.

Does this mean I don't want marriage? Not even close. Is it necessary? I don't know. I think if you are with someone and they are the person you want to be with and it is important to both of you then yes it is. Is it a sticking point with me? Nope. I will love someone whether we are married or not. My commitment is not based on a piece of paper - it is based on what is in my heart.

Granted, a small part of me has always secretly wanted to find a wonderful man to marry. You know, the kind that are loving and generous, that will be good to you, even when you make a mistake or things aren't the greatest. The one who will be your rock, your partner, the person who will support you - that kind of husband. Maybe I haven't considered marriage before because I hadn't found someone who had those qualities. Maybe I will get lucky and meet someone like that soon....

My sister has been lucky enough to find that kind of person. I have my fingers crossed that I have a brother-in-law within the year. She deserves nothing but happiness and someone who treats her like a queen. She has suffered just as much as I have, but in a different way. It is about time she has someone who will help her and love her. Maybe one day it will be for both of us... who knows.

There might be a happy ending for the Marziani girls after all =) My dad would roll over in his grave.

Am I the problem?

The way to solve different problems in our lives is obviously, to see where the root of it is. I have realized a lot of things about myself over the past 13 years that I didn't before and have worked on them to try and become a better me. It doesn't end overnight though...

I often times wonder if the reason why I am not finding a partner is not anything with them... but intrinsically something with me?? Do I do things (on a subconscious level) that make it difficult for either one of us to stay in the relationship? Am I being too nit-picky, using different "guidelines" as my basis and not deviating from those?

It seems the road to self-awareness is realizing that I am the common denominator in all of these relationships, so there must be something in me that needs to be "fixed" or "tweaked".

Friendships

Everyone needs friends... men, women - all of us need someone to talk to. Women .... we survive and thrive on the friendships we build and create. They are as fundamental as breathing to us. Men have friends to go out and watch games with, grab a bite to eat and bond. Women, we have friends to validate us, to build support systems and networks for ourselves. This is how we cope in the world. Our friends are essentially an extension of us. We find in them similar qualities and some qualities we seek to better in ourselves. They are our sounding boards, advisors, confessors and conspirators. They revel in all of the wonderful things that may happen in our lives: weddings, birthdays, accomplishments, births. They also help us through the hard times: deaths, break ups, divorces, work issues.... the list goes on. Friends see us at our highest points and at our lowest. Still they continue to love us.

Not everyone will be a "best" friend. All fill different roles in different areas of our lives. What we have to do is determine which area they help us in the most and let them shine there. There also comes a time, when we need to also realize that some friendships have run their course... there may be no going back. When lines are crossed that should never be crossed. Trying to step back over them is an almost impossible feat - going back is not always an option. Friendships are fragile and need to be nurtured. Lets listen closely to what our friends tell us. This is how we know what their limits, boundaries and breaking points are. Just because someone is your friend does not automatically mean that any wrong action will be glossed over or forgiven. Feelings get hurt, pride is stung and words are spoken that can never be taken back.

All of us should be grateful for the friends we have. Why? Because of these friends we are where we are today, we are WHO we are and we continue to grow as people. Even if someone is no longer a friend in our life, they still taught use something about ourselves.

Friendships make the world go round and life a far better place to live. I am thankful for everyone single one of mine. You all rawk!!! <3

Peez and luv :)

xoxoxoxo

My Box

We all have one. That safe bubble that we live within, ideas we have, things we do that are routine and standard. We stay within those confines because that is what we know... no need to worry about anything. No need to grow or try new things. It is nice and easy. Let's be honest - living with what we know and is "safe" is far simpler than venturing out side of that comfort zone and trying out new things.

I feel this is the decade for me to really discover myself and who I am. I am ready to meet someone ... whenever that may be. But I need to lay the ground work within me to make that happen. I also need to learn to accept things about myself and how others see me to make it work. That is also not an easy task. That prospect is terrifying , but with out that how will I become who I am really supposed to be? What if all the hardships and trials I have lived through all lead me to this point so that I could take that step, that leap and spread my wings? The only way to find out is by doing it.

So I am not making a New Year's Resolution... I am making it a Decade Goal: To go outside my comfort zone or "box", to love myself and to accept myself. Here is to an amazing 10 years!