In a funk

I feel so out of sorts. I feel like life is pulling me in all different directions and as if I am just standing in the middle of all of it ... and not moving. Yesterday was a really bad day for me at work and I ended up at home literally crying my eyes out. Poor Pepper sat curled up next to me not knowing what was going on... he gets so stressed when I am like that.

I canceled all my plans for this weekend - I don't have the energy to be social or go out. It is so difficult to be up and happy when you feel like nothing inside. I feel lost, lonely, disconnected... it is a scary place to be in. I know that I am on the border of something serious, but I have to try and snap out of it. It isn't healthy for me to be in this place and it is a double edged sword - to not stay in this state I need to get out and socialize but I don't have the energy to be out socializing. I am going to go home tonight and just crawl into bed and go to sleep. Maybe that will help. Even writing isn't making me feel any better, sadly. I amn't even really hungry anymore - now that is scary. That is when you know things are not good.

The craziness of life

I just wrote a blog about my father and his passing. Had a phone call from my mother that my dad's brother died this morning of a massive heart attack... in the bathroom - exactly the same way my dad did. And about a week before my dad's anniversary. My uncle was young, only 72.

It makes me sad to think that it leaves only my aunt now. Everyone else has passed away. It also makes me sad because my dad's family never worked on family unity or trying to stay in touch. They all just hated each other. I am not close to many of them because of distance (they all live in Italy), but the few who do reach out to me, I stay in touch with. I like to hear about the births of my little cousins, the accomplishments of those who are special to them... it makes me feel somewhat connected.

All of my cousins on that side of the family live mere minutes away from each other and they don't even speak. That is when you know you have a TRULY dysfunctional family. His passing will alleviate his pain and that of his family (he suffered from dementia), but it will unfortunately not bring anyone in that family closer together. They are beyond help... sad but true.

The one lesson that always comes through - tell the people you love that you love them. Even if it is for a split second. Let them hear the words, so that they can carry that in their hearts. Love is a powerful thing. Remember all of you - I do love you all, immensely. You have all touched my life and enriched it in some form. Thank you for being a part of it. <3

Twelve years

The anniversary of my father's death is fast approaching. It will be 12 years this Christmas day that he died of a massive heart attack. It really didn't affect me too much either way his passing - we hadn't spoken to each other from when I was 19 and then not until when I was 22 to file assault charges and have him arrested. Great memories to have of your dad aren't they?

I can honestly say, that the good memories of my father are very sparse. There aren't many... but I know that there were some good times. They were not often, but some of the pictures of myself and him together when I was little, show a loving man, who, I don't know, lost himself somewhere along the way. I wish he had realized he needed help and sought it out, but the "macho" mentality never let him admit that.

I do blame my grandmother for some of his torment. She was an EVIL woman. She just never let up on anyone. Her life had been miserable and she just transferred that misery onto others, mostly her children and husband. My grandfather was beaten down so badly he died a shell of a man, and he was a sweet, sweet soul. Sadly, my father adored her and would do anything to make her happy. So she used that to her advantage, which for a mother is cruel. I give her part of the blame.

I do have to thank my father though for some things. For my love of science - he was always a big science nerd. For my knowledge of soccer (though it was limited) and my love and pride of Italy. He was a die hard Juve fan and he loved his homeland... no one could take that love or patriotism away from him. We always went to all the Italian festivals or parades decked out in green/white/red and we wore the colors of the flag with pride. I still feel that pride to this day of being Italian and raised by two parents who loved being from a nation filled with rich history, culture, food and a flare for fashion. It is good to be Italian :)

He also made me a stronger person, without really realizing it. By belittling me and trying to beat me down my whole life, he helped to make me a strong person. I can take a lot of crap - those closest to me know. I have lived through some crazy times and through some crazy things.... but I kept a portion of my sanity and have become a better person. Through the insanity that was my life with my parents, their marriage and the abused heaped onto me by my dad, he showed me that if those things couldn't break me then almost nothing could. I do have to say my mom was a big factor in my staying semi sane through a lot of it. Thanks mommy :)

What he didn't help me with was in being a good male role model. I never realized that I should be treated a certain way by the men in my life and because of that have made some bad choices in that aspect. I admit it - no need to shy away from the truth. But I am learning slowly, that I do derserve someone who appreciates me and loves me for what I am, slightly cracked and worn but still with love to give, and is patient enough to get to the heart of me, the REAL me. There are men out there like that... and maybe I may have been lucky enough to find one :)

So as 12 years rolls up on me, I feel bad for my father having died alone, and being left there. He had the chance to have a family and nuture it - but he chose not to. I wonder if had he sought help and asked for forgiveness, would our lives have been different??? Then again, I wouldn't be the person I am today if he had. And maybe, just maybe, this is who I was meant to be.

For a few moments

...... I felt special and beautiful this weekend. I wish I had more of those moments but as a wise person once told me... "slowly, slowly".

Uncertainty

I feel so uncertain and unstable. I finally made a positive step forward in my life... but I feel a bit lost, almost adrift. What I broke from was, in a sense, a security blanket for me. I used that situation in my life as an excuse for me to not move forward. Now that I have realized that and taken the steps to fix that, I feel for lack of a better word... exposed.

I feel emotionally naked and vulnerable. I hate feeling weak. I have always striven to be strong and not let things get to me. I do break down at times (alone, at home in the dark, with just Pepper) and those times are few and far between. I try never to cry and vent most of my emotions through writing in my journal. This way it helps keep me on an even keel and not a lot of emotional ups and downs.

But this feeling open and raw... is a terrifying thing. It leaves me open to a lot of hurt and pain. I know it is the place where I need to be at right now in my life, but boy is it a scary prospect. The road ahead looms long and painful. I know that for me to have a truly authentic and good relationship, I need to be more emotionally available. But it goes against everything I have on all these years to make myself immune. So now I have to start taking each of those bricks down, one by one, and I really get freaked thinking about it. But I will do it... because I am not the type or person to run from what lies ahead of me. I face it head on.

Where is the spark?

I ask myself this question every time I go out on a date. I sit through endless dates, with men who are nice people, but at the end of the night... where is that spark, you know that one that makes you feel jittery? I miss that feeling. I crave that feeling.

I haven't felt that special spark or really intense passion for someone in a quite some time. I am comfortable with some of the men I have dated and physically attracted, but there has been no one, lately, who makes my heart beat faster or makes me feel all jumbled. I love that feeling of being physically affected by someone you are so attracted to. But for some reason or another, all the men I have met lately (even the good looking ones) leave me feeling "blah" and uninterested. They can't seem to keep my attention and I am bored within the first 10 minutes.

I am slowly losing hope of ever finding someone who is the complete package: looks, humor and who lights that fire within me.

Here is my list

My best friend told me I should write down what I want in a partner so that I can "create" that in my life and find that person who has what I need. So here goes... my list:

- someone who makes me a priority
- someone who is faithful and monogamous
- someone who thinks about me and lets me know they are
- someone who is taller than me - shallow I know, send your hate mail to idontcare@yahoo.com
- someone smart
- someone funny
- someone who smiles
- someone who can make me laugh
- some who "gets" me, no matter what I might pretend
- someone who is not jealous
- someone who is attractive to me
- someone who is a good kisser (hey I like kissing)
- someone financially secure
- someone who is successful in their life
- someone who doesn't need to have children - but is open to the possibility
- someone who wants to be my partner in life and crime ;)
- someone who is ok with or without the idea of being married
- someone who loves me for me
- someone who makes time for me
- someone who loves intimacy & Sex
- someone who spends time with me AND my friends
- someone affectionate
- someone who communicates
- someone who listens to me and tries to help me through hard times
- someone who will love my cat
- someone who will love my Jessica
- someone who understands the meaning of family and what that entails
- someone who will take care of me when I am sick
- someone who will just plain take care of me (even if I say I don't want it)
- someone who will watch corny movies with me because it makes me happy
- someone who will walk along the beach and stare at the stars
- someone who whispers they love me, just because
- someone who will love giving me small trinkets to see me smile
- someone who smiles with their eyes
- someone whose soul touches mine
- i want my emotional soulmate

I will add to the list as time goes on. I am hoping that by writing them down and I will be that much closer to finding that someone who will be partner